Part of my frustration over the past couple of years is that I had finally made truly noticeable progress - I was actually on pace to reach a tangible goal - and then it all fell apart ... like it was ripped from my grasp while life itself just sat there and laughed at me.
When Pam's depression began to get worse I didn't have my usual methods for dealing with my own thoughts - my me time - my stress reducer. When I'm at the gym, on the dreadmill or the spin bike I lose myself in my music ... I drown out the world, my thoughts and everything else - I'm in a world by myself. The distraction from myself helps stick with my routine and reach, or even exceed my goal. When I'm on the road it's just me and me - no music - no nothing. It is my time to pray, to think, to meditate - my time to crawl inside myself and see what I'm made of and problem solve - come up with ideas for issues at work - create characters or plots for stories I may be working on.
After the extended time away from training, and with the number of issues that were adding up at work I couldn't seem to sort through the issues any more ... it was like I was not in control of my own thoughts. I couldn't manage to do anything without feeling overwhelmed by the issues on my mind - no biking - no running - no writing - no stress release ... I just about imploded ... or maybe I actually did.
So I'm starting from zero once again - or at least that's what it feel like. A big part of me wants to throw on the shoes and run 13 miles like 2 1/2 years ago - a bigger part of we doesn't want to try any more.
I started with 10 minute walks across the bus yard - not for "training" but for sanity breaks. They quickly morphed into 1.5 mile daily walks at 3.2 mph - again as a sanity break. First trip to the gym was a laughable 10 min. walk on the treadmill and basically giving up because I couldn't focus. I'm now hitting the gym 3 to 4 days each week doing a x-training routine (stepper or elliptical) for 20 or more minutes followed by 45 minutes to 90 minutes on the treadmill ... I've even managed to swim some laps, but have a bit to go before I jump back into spin class.
This last week I've been a bit moody - maybe it's because I had a cold - maybe it's because of the increasing stress at work, but I know a contributing factor is that I didn't train, I didn't yard walk ... I just rested. Maybe my body and brain actually missed training ... who knows?
Yesterday's run was so encouraging. My brain wandered all over the place - I thought about things - made mini goals within the bigger goal - had fun. I pushed myself pretty hard, but still had gas in the tank at the end. I don't want to push too hard too soon - that's the same mistake I always seem to make, but after yesterday I know I can push a bit harder.
On the agenda today - 20 min. stepper and 45 minute treadmill walk. A bit laughable, but progress nonetheless.